


The Flawless One

by serendipitously



Series: I Fall Back Down [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Rating May Change, Sad Ending, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-20 09:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2424341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitously/pseuds/serendipitously
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima isn't always the best at expressing himself, but Yamaguchi has a way of drawing out his emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moments Filled With Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Anthony Amorim's "Silver Lining."  
> 

"Okay, okay," the libero marvels, "so you're saying you've _never_ been interested in a girl, Hinata?" 

The younger boy shifts uncomfortably. "Well. Yeah _,"_ he confirms. "It hasn't exactly been the first thing on my mind! I don't even know what an attractive girl looks like!" 

"Well the best example would be Shimizu, of course," Tanaka chimes in, nodding along to his own statement. 

Nishinoya’s eyebrows furrow together, scrunching in confusion. "Ryuu, he's never been interested in a girl," he repeats, waving his arms in some manner that’s supposed to emphasize what he’s saying. "He's been around the goddess for almost _a year now_ and apparently hasn't found her attractive _at all._ " Tsukishima is trying to figure out how the libero could possibly look so genuinely concerned about Hinata’s taste in women, but his bewilderment is cut short when the other boy suddenly jumps up.

"What about you, Kageyama?” he questions, his index finger nearly pressing against the face of the boy in question. “Pretty boy like you probably gets swarmed with the ladies, right?"

“Not really.” The setter shrugs indifferently. “I honestly don't talk to girls unless it's necessary."

"What the hell is up with you freshmen?!?!” The exasperated look on Nishinoya’s face can only rival the concerned/slightly irritated one Daichi is sending their way from across the gym.  “We need to find you some nice ladies and FAST!!!" the libero declares openly. Watching panic rise on the other two other freshmen’s faces, Tsukishima can’t help but sneer. Unfortunately, that shifts the attention onto him.

"Hey, Tsukishima.” The blonde almost groans when Kageyama says his name, but stops knowing that it would only widen the king’s all-knowing smirk. “Haven't you received a couple confessions this year?" He shoots a warning glare the setter’s way, hoping he gets the message that Kei would rather not be dragged into this conversation.

But Nishinoya’s interest is already peaked. "WHAT?” he yells, turning his back on whatever tangent he and Tanaka had gone off on. His knees hit the ground as he collapses feebly, falling lower and lower to the ground until his body is sprawled belly-down on the gym floor. “My darling underclassman has found a girlfriend before me!” The teen’s arms flail as he rolls over, groaning. “Oh what am I to do?"

Tsukishima takes a moment to think about what he’s willing to say. He could just tease them for a bit, because it’s not like he’s about to refute the idea that girls think he’s the most attractive person on the Karasuno volleyball team. But then the team would force him to deal with the whole issue of which one Kei _himself_ thought was the prettiest, and honestly, he didn’t find any of them _that_ appealing. He didn’t find _any_ girls appealing, really, since y’know. He’s more than a little gay. Probably extremely gay, if he has to describe himself accurately.  

The blonde highly doubts the team would react negatively to his sexuality, but he still feels like coming out to them would result in a complete train wreck. Then again, falsifying his dating history would probably make an even _bigger_ mess, so Kei determines the former to be the best course of action.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says to the sophomore, his face tensing in a way that only Yamaguchi can recognize as uncertainty. "I'm only into guys."

..

 

The walk home has been particularly silent today, with Tadashi opening his mouth again and again and again and _again,_ but always closing it just seconds later without saying anything.

"Yamaguchi," Tsukishima cautions, "Tell me what's on your mind right now, or I promise I will leave you behind in the middle of the street.”

He hesitates again, but doesn’t clothes his mouth without speaking this time. "Who do you like, Tsukki?"

The middle blocker considers confessing at that very moment, but it really wasn't necessary and he didn't want to deal with Yamaguchi just yet. Telling the rest of the team that he’s gay wasn’t really a huge deal, since he knew they’d find out eventually, but telling Tadashi he was probably in love him? Well, that could wait. He turns around, eyes locking on those belonging to the shorter boy. "Someone I could never admit my feelings to."

It’s not enough to satisfy Yamaguchi’s curiosity, and Tsukki knows that. But Tadashi knows better than to pry where he’s not welcome. He nods to himself, then runs to catch up to his best friend.

* * *

 On the way home, Tsukishima decides to stop by the convenience store with the other volleyball members for once. He listens to their conversations, idly walking alongside them. Considering they just spent the past two hours playing volleyball, he thinks they’d be sick of the subject, but Kageyama and Hinata are still discussing the practice from earlier.

"You didn't _have_ toset it that high though! I thought you were getting better at this!" Hinata yells at the setter.

"Now listen here, dumbass," Kageyama replies, "maybe if you jumped a little higher you would have reached it in time! Don't go blaming all your stupid mistakes on me."

"Well maybe if you would stop getting distracted then I'd be able to hit your tosses better! I see you looking at other places when you’re tossing!!! I mean, I know you have to figure out where to set the ball, but come on. You don't have to stare at me all the time."

Kageyama’s face flushes at this, but Tsukishima can’t whether it’s with anger or embarrassment. "Wh- You think I'm distracted because I'm _staring at you_?" The raven stammered.

The orange haired boy chuckles, ducking to dodge one of Kageyama’s punches. “Obviously!”

"Why the hell would I be staring at you?"

"I dunno why don't you tell _me?"_

At this point, Kei feels like he's watching some horrible romantic comedy. He also really wishes he could just leave. Why'd he decide to come again? Oh yeah.

Yamaguchi had managed to convince him that “team-bonding” was essential to, well, _being part of a team._

 _“If this is team bonding,”_ he thinks to himself, “ _then I already go through it every. damn. day.”_

Tsukishima tunes back into the conversation just in time to hear a wound up Kageyama shout, "Well it's not my fault if I'm in love with you, dumbass!" The entire team turns to look at the raven, who flushes a dark red at the realization of what he’s just said ( _It was definitely embarrassment that time)._ "I- I mean," he continues, "I-"

"Oh, shut up, Idiot Kageyama," the shorter boy mutters. He glances over to the taller boy, a faint pink coloring his cheeks as his smile grows uncontrollably.  "The feeling's mutual anyways."

Everything just kind of stops for a moment, no one knowing what to say.  That is, until Tanaka makes a noisy groan from the back of the crowd. “Is everyone on our team gay? I mean I honestly don’t mind, but did you all really have to go and start dating _each other?_ ”

Tsukishima glances at the team’s captain, and his suspicions are confirmed when he sees Sawamura fawning over a bright red Suga. _Well then,_ he thinks to himself. Those two make sense, considering the googly eyes they always make each other, but Tanaka had said _everyone on their team._ If he excludes himself, the captain and vice-captain, and the two idiots over there who are obviously in their own world, that leaves three people unaccounted for: Nishinoya, Azumane, and Yamaguchi. There’s no way Tadashi was in a relationship, otherwise Kei would’ve heard about it by now, so that means…

“OOF!” Tanaka yells as the libero smacks him on the back.

“C’mon, Ryuu!” Nishinoya tells him. “It’s not that bad. You just gotta learn to live with it!”

Tanaka eyes him as he half-heartedly roars back at his friend, “Says the person who’s dating our ace!” Everyone turns towards Azumane, including Kei. Unfortunately, the blonde can’t find the third year right away. It’s only when the back of his head is sprayed with what feels like a gallon of water, that he realizes the position of Karasuno’s ace.

_So that’s where he was._

The blonde turns around slowly, anger boiling in his gut. The older male squeaks under Tsukishima’s glare. “I- I’m so sorry! Tanaka just said that so suddenly and I didn’t realize it was that obvi-“

“Azumane,” Kei cuts him off. “It’s fine.” _I should’ve just gone home after practice._ The ace continues sputtering his apology, but Kei refuses to hear it, walking past him and muttering a quick “goodbye” to his team.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi calls out to him. “Tsukki, wait!”

Of course Tadashi would chase after him.

..

 

 "I was wondering when Hinata and Kageyama would get together," the freckled boy remarks, ending the remarkably silent walk to Tsukishima’s house.

"I guess,” the taller sighs. “It's amazing either of them realized their feelings, honestly."

Tadashi laughs. "Yeah, I guess you're right… Are you still upset about what happened with Azumane? He didn’t mean to spit half his water bottle on you. It was just an accident."

Kei nods to this, acknowledging that his friend is right, and the two fall back into silence. This time, though, it’s comfortable. It’s a silence they can both handle, not a forced, seemingly endless kind of silence.

The freckled boy stops dead in his tracks once they’re within a couple minutes of his house. "Um. Tsukki," he whispers, voice shaking. The taller boy doesn't respond, wanting to give the other time to formulate his thoughts more clearly.

It’s almost a minute before he tries again. "Tsukki!" He calls, clearer this time.

The blonde turns around, acknowledging his friend's request for attention. "Tsukki," he takes a deep breath, "I… Never mind it’s not important."

He goes quiet again, staring at the ground like it’s the most comforting thing in the world right now. "Yamaguchi, if you want to say something, then just say it." Kei figures that will give him the push he needs to say his thoughts.

Tadashi’s face scrunches as he clenches his fists, and for a moment Kei thinks his friend is upset. It seems like the brunet’s about to scream at him, but instead, his voice His voice, filled with uncertain, shakes as he speaks. "Tsukki, I like you."

Tsukishima blinks behind his glasses a couple times, eyes widening when he thinks _holy shit did Yamaguchi just confess to me?_ He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t this. Not that he minds though. Honestly, Kei is overjoyed, ecstatic even, but he’s also unsure on what the proper protocol is when the person you like confesses to _you._

So he simply replies, "Thanks, Yamaguchi."

And then Tsukishima realizes his mistake. Obviously disheartened by the reply, Yamaguchi laughs weakly, trying to explain he liked Tsukki _as a friend_ . A deep sigh is exchanged between the two, and Kei begins to wish he was better at conveying his feelings. Despite their long-standing friendship, Tadashi can’t read his mind. Kei knows he has to do _something_ to reveal his feelings to his friend.

His fingers lace through Tadashi’s, a stunned look flashing across the freckled boy’s face as he does. He looks away almost immediately, unable to control the crimson blush rising to his face. "Yamaguchi?”

Tadashi hesitates before responding, “Yeah, Tsukki?”

“I like you, too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/criticism will always be appreciated~


	2. On Your Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title taken from "Just a Kiss" by Lady Antebellum~
> 
> Thanks for the nice comments on the last chapter guys!! It really encouraged me to keep this up!! ^^  
> Also, special thanks to tumblr user silenceintherooms for reading this over for me!!

It's 2:34 on a Friday night when Kei wakes up to his boyfriend shaking in his arms. He wraps an arm around Yamaguchi’s body, pulling the smaller boy closer to his chest. "What's wrong, babe?” They've been together for while now, with Tadashi spending the night at the Tsukishima household quite often, so he knows the routine for this kind of situation. Honestly, he’s known how to take care of Yamaguchi longer than the 6 months they’d been dating – he’s known all his life. They have been best friends far longer than lovers, after all. “Have a nightmare again?"

There’s no response, but Tsukishima thinks nothing of it. Yamaguchi usually calms down after a couple minutes of having circles rubbed into his back, so Kei decides to keep doing that until his shaking subsides. But when Kei feels a dampness against his chest, he pushes the other male away, looking for his eyes in the darkness. Tadashi wasn’t particularly brave or strong, but he wasn’t one to cry without good reason.

"Why are you crying?" The grip on Kei’s shirt tightens, begging him to just let the situation go. "Tadashi."  The other male only sobs louder, hiccups echoing in the silence of Kei’s room. The taller boy says nothing after that, not wanting to push his boyfriend further than necessary, and instead pulls him back into himself.

“I’m here for you,” he whispers just barely loud enough for Yamaguchi to hear. “Let me take care of you.”  It’s an hour before the sniffling subsides enough for the freckled boy to speak. Yamaguchi’s body is warm against Kei’s chest, and Kei can feel his breathing even out after a while as the sobs leave and stop forcing him into jerky movements.

"I just-" he says after silence. "Why would you like _me?_  I'm not nearly as smart as you, and it’s not like I’m all that attractive.” He laughs brokenly to himself. “I mean. My freckles are really weird and- I don’t know. You're so amazing, Tsukki. I…” He trails off, probably biting his lip in the habit he’d developed over the years. “Why don’t you just break up with me? I’m really nothing more than a waste of your time.” Blinking at the words, Kei presses his forehead to Tadashi's and closes his eyes. Such a show of affection is rare for the blonde, so he decides to attribute the action to the fact that it’s 3:30 in the morning. But maybe this is just the effect Tadashi has on the generally apathetic boy.

He stays there, Yamaguchi’s warm breaths falling onto his lips. Soft strands brush against his hand as he runs it through messy hair, memorizing every part of the other boy that he can. When a cold hand covers his own, Kei opens his eyes. They share a smile in the dark, a moment that is only theirs, knowing that the wordless actions are more than enough to reassure Tadashi – to reassure them  _both_  – that this relationship is what they both need. Tadashi is the first to speak, whispering softly against Kei’s lips, “I never thought you’d choose me.”

 “Honestly,” the taller boy breathes. “You’re the only choice I’ve ever had.”

Yamaguchi brings their faces closer together, until his lips just barely brush against his lover’s. "I love you, Tsukki," he mumbles comfortably, warmth radiating from his words.

 Kei smiles against the other boy’s lips. "I love you too, Tadashi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I promise the next one will be a lot longer!


	3. Stay With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Sam Smith's "Stay With Me"!
> 
> Okay so a couple notes:  
> First, in this chapter Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Hinata, and Kageyama are juniors, and Nishinoya is a senior.  
> Second, I updated the tags because this chapter does involve underage drinking. It's not explicitly described though!  
> Third, this is where the archive warning starts coming into play! just a warning ;A;
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

"C'mon, Tsukishima! Loosen up, it's just alcohol." The blonde sends a questioning glance the asker’s way.  He looks up at Tsukishima, bleached bangs covering his happy eyes innocently as if he hadn’t just ambushed the taller male while he was waiting for Tadashi to emerge from the restroom. “Don’t tell me I bought this stuff for nothing.”

He sighs, irritated, muttering to no one in particular as he walks away, “Where the hell do you even get this stuff?” Nishinoya, who hears this anyways, seems genuinely disheartened at the rejection. For a moment, Kei feels guilty for being unnecessarily harsh. But then again, it’s not like the senior will remember this tomorrow.  _Oh well._

This really is the only positive effect Tsukishima can find in alcohol. He doesn’t have to filter his mouth as much as he usually tries (and fails) to. Yeah, he’s a bit of an asshole, and he’ll admit that. But that doesn’t mean he’s never harbored guilt for something he’s said. Situations like that just occur on rare occasions. Besides, he’s learned that being drunk makes him much more vulnerable than he’s comfortable with.

Tsukishima stands by the statement that he really isn't one for drinking. Thankfully, neither is Yamaguchi. Though both boys have definitely  _been_  drunk before, they’ve found that alcohol isn't their preferred choice of teenage rebellion.

That being said, it becomes somewhat boring watching the drunken adventures that unravel around them. Sure, it was interesting at first, but the party’s been going on for a several hours now and the quality of the entertainment has declined significantly. But Kei can only endure so much before growing disinterested.

..

 

It’s a little past midnight when he and Yamaguchi decide to leave, Tsukishima climbing into the driver’s seat of his car opposite Yamaguchi, who opts to ride shotgun. 

"Well," the freckled boy says brightly, the click of his seat belt punctuating the word, "that was fun." 

"Tanaka could've worn more clothes though," Kei smirks.

Tadashi chuckles at that. "Probably. But he has a nice enough body for it to not be disturbing."

The other boy raises his eyebrows. "Oh?"  He sends a glance Yamaguchi’s way as he starts up the car. "Am I not good enough for you anymore?"

“Tanaka’s attractive, Tsukki.” Tadashi rolls his eyes. "But you're flawless."

Kei's lips upturn into a slight smile at the affectionate words. "No," he replies, leaning in to kiss his boyfriend before they depart. "The flawless one is you."

* * *

 

It’s a Saturday night; of course there are drunk people out right now. Hell, his own friends are drunk back at Kageyama's 17th birthday party, which admittedly, he now regrets leaving early.

Suddenly, headlights belonging to what Kei can only assume to be a drunk driver appear directly in front of him.  He swerves left, reaction almost instant. _Almost._ Metal collides with metal, and his car is sent flying. He lands well away from the side of the road. The moments that follow are filled with no more than silent breaths and the yelling of a voice Kei can’t recognize, muffled by the walls of the wrecked car that separates them.

Dizziness seizes Tsukishima, weighing down his eyelids with a heaviness he can’t identify. Attempts to pry them open are met with no success. He wills his legs to move, instead, hoping for some sort of sign that he’s okay. But rather than a struggling action, dull pain pulses through the lower half of his body. He groans and rests his head on the seat, realizing the futility of trying to ascertain his fate. Tsukishima is trapped, with no form of escape hoping to greet him.

But something important gnaws at the boy’s memories, refusing to reveal itself. He lifts his arm slightly, reaching to his side instinctively for something - someone - that he knows is there. But it quickly retracts when a pain slices through the arm like a dagger in his skin. He gives up on trying to remember what he's grasping for completely; the answer will come to him eventually.

 _I never drank,_ the blonde thinks.  _Did I?_ He recollects the night’s activities (the best he can, at least) and reassures himself that yeah, he hadn't had a sip of alcohol.  _So why am I here?_ The question feeds on his uncertainty, his desperation to know the answer. 

He didn’t drink and drive, that’s for sure - he wouldn't make a mistake like that. So why was he the one lying helplessly in his car, waiting for someone to come along and extract him from the wreck that surrounds him? Why did Yamaguchi have to get involved in this? God, he hoped Tada-

He yells in pain as eyelids tear apart, memories of the other boy flooding his mind. Tsukishima knows Yamaguchi is with him; he had fallen asleep in the passenger’s seat what seemed like moments earlier, allowing Kei the opportunity of a red light to appreciate his boyfriend’s delicate features.

But Tsukishima didn’t linger in his fond admiration. As soon as the stoplight flicked to green, his eyes were focused on the road. He never drove carelessly – didn’t drive carelessly tonight  _–_ so  _why_?

The car is too silent, the air too heavy. The clothes are too sticky on Kei’s skin, wet with what isn’t sweat, but _blood._ With his now open eyes, he realizes the inside of this car _is far too red._ He hopes, prays, _dares_ to reassure himself that the boy to his right is fine.

 _All I have to do is look,_ he thinks.  _If I just turn, Tadashi will be there, and he will be fine._

But no matter what he tells himself, he can’t shake the unsettling feeling that results from the staleness hanging in the air. He waits, and waits, until the emotions are too overwhelming, until the need to know overflows from the cup of his anxieties.

_Just look._

Tsukishima can’t turn his head completely.

But that's okay.

The sight in the corner of his eye is more than enough to make him scream.

 ..

 

There's blood everywhere now, and none of it belongs to Tsukishima. He doesn’t really know what to feel – doesn’t remember  _how_  to feel _–_ in this moment.

_This can't be happening. Oh God, Tadashi. That can't be him. That._

_That isn't._

The words repeat themselves to him, nonsensical and redundant. He’s sputtering a cry and holding back tears that wish to separate him further from the boy he loves.

_What is this supposed to be?_

_Some kind of_  joke?

There are sirens nearby, almost obscuring the slight groan that comes from Yamaguchi’s direction. It’s barely audible, but has Kei nearly wracking with sobs all the same. He's screams the other boy's name once, hoping he’ll be heard (though he's no longer sure that he's even making a sound).

_Tadashi._

Tsukishima is desperate to draw out some sort of response or recognition from his first and only love.  

_Tadashi._

He wants nothing more than the comfort of Yamaguchi’s radiant smile, his imperfectly placed freckles and rose-dusted cheeks, his reassuring voice remind him that everything will be okay.

_I’ll take care of you, Tadashi._

The name stumbles out of his mouth, something of a cross between a sob and a prayerful chant.

_I’m here for you, so please._

He gulps, too exhausted now to do much more.

_Please don’t leave me._


	4. Too Far Away to Feel You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from Tove Lo's Thousand Miles~  
> Also the Work Title is from Tove Lo's Moments! I don't think I ever mentioned that uvu

It’s five months after the crash, and Tadashi still hasn’t woken up. That's five months since Kei heard the other boy speak. Five months since the last time Tadashi smiled. Five months of unbearable solitude.

Tsukishima’s the lucky one of the duo, though, escaping the wreckage of his car with a sprained wrist and shallow gashes across his body. He healed relatively quickly.

He visits Tadashi every day at the hospital, holding his boyfriend's hand and telling him all the good things happening that would have made Tadashi smile. Of course, there’s never a reply, but the one-sided conversation is what fuels Kei’s hope. And so Tsukishima continues his daily visits and chats with Yamaguchi at the hospital, rubbing circles onto the back of the freckled boy’s hand like it’s a lifeline he can’t afford to let go of.

Tadashi’s hands are cold, but then again, they've always been cold. It's comforting to know that certain parts of his beloved are still there, no matter how insignificant they seem to be. Or at least Kei likes to pretend that this part of Tadashi is still there.

It's nice to pretend.

..

 

It's been three and a half months since Kei returned to the Karasuno volleyball club.

Since the first day he returned to volleyball, he’s improved steadily, learning to support the team in ways he couldn’t before.  They win quite often now actually, advancing easily to the higher levels of tournaments. But it’s not the same without their pinch server, and that’s usually what knocks the team down.

It’s also the reason Kei wishes he could quit, but he doesn’t. He’s worked too hard for this club – Tadashi’s worked too hard for this club – and he can’t just give up. Not now.

Not yet.

Not until he has a sure reason to.

..

 

It's been three months since he was notified that he's at the top of his class.

But his parents say he's pushing himself too hard, that he needs to take care of himself more, or none of his hard work will be worth it. They say he cares too much about his grades right now.

They're wrong.

He really doesn't care that much.

School only distracts him from the monotony of his life.  

Every day he follows the same routine, disregarding hopeful endeavors and only practicing that which is necessary.

Wake up, school, volleyball, visit Tadashi, study, sleep.  
Wake up, school, volleyball, visit Tadashi, study, sleep.  
Wake up, school, volleyball, visit Tadashi, study, sleep.

Day after day after day, he continues. It’s this monotony that he thrives on; the routine provides a sense of normalcy in his life.

But people still won’t leave him alone. 

..

 

It's been two months since people started calling him heartless. Kei never understands why people say this.

Is it because he's doing so well at _everything,_ despite the current state of his closest friend? Because they're jealous of his sudden success? Because he has no clue what else he could possibly do with himself now that _Tadashi won't wake up?_

What the hell do they expect him to do, wallow around all day crying his ass off?

Because he does that enough at night, when he's alone and almost positive his parents won't hear him.

He's so lonely.

..

 

It's been a month since people gave up on trying to reconnect with him.

 _Good,_ he thinks.

_Good._

He spends more time locked up in his room, or staying in the gym after practice to work on his blocks. He throws himself fully into every possible activity he can think of, working himself to the point of exhaustion.

He focuses on school, sports, _everything_ so much more now so people won’t think he’s slipping up after the accident he caused.

But he is.

He’s drowning in an abyss of self-inflicted torture, and everyone’s noticing it now.

"You need to stop," they say, they _all_ say.

“Rest.”

“Take care of yourself.”

“ _You need to stop.”_

He can't.

He needs the distraction, the feeling of giving himself up to everything around him. He doesn't care if it's exhausting him. He doesn't care that he's shattering himself and not even bothering to pick up the falling pieces. He needs the distraction.

Without it, guilt festers in his mind, reminding him of the blood that soaked his clothes that night. It rots him, feeds on him, _devours_ him with self-blame _._

 _T_ _adashi,_ he cries to himself. _Tadashi. I'm so sorry, this is all my fault._

_ou never deserved this._

_I love you._

 

* * *

Tadashi isn't dead. That isn't his picture over the coffin. That isn't his body lying lifeless. Those aren't the freckles that Kei used to stay up till three in the morning counting, watching Tadashi's body move silently as his even breathing lulled the other boy to sleep. This isn't real.

Kei stares stoically at the crowd. They expect him to say something nice about Yamaguchi. They want to hear about how much he cared, about how much he still cares. About how Tadashi's smile lit up the lives of every person around him, especially his own.  About how the boy could draw out Kei's emotions like no one else. About how Yamaguchi Tadashi was a beautiful person.

Yet Tsukishima can't formulate his words. He really just wants to stand up there and cry, to yell about his inability to cope with death, and to ask why they allowed him to be here when it’s _his fault_ that Tadashi is _dead._ He needs someone to hold him and tell him that he’ll be okay, promise him that _everything_ will be okay.

But the only person who can convince him of that - the only person who would be willing to - is lying in that coffin.

The blonde does nothing, stubborn tears burning his eyes as they pool behind his eyelids. He refuses to show it on his face, though, masking the pain with an apathetic gaze towards the front of the room. He opens his mouth, not really knowing what he's going to say. But words must be spoken, and he has to be the one to deliver them.

"He was my best friend."

Silence fills the room once again as he walks back to his seat.

 

* * *

 

There’s a knock on his door _._ “Kei?”

 _“_ Yes, Mom?” he replies tersely.

“We’re going to visit Tadashi’s grave,” she starts, opening the door to his bedroom. “Will you come?”

“No.”

“It’s been a year, Kei.” She shuffles in from her place in the doorway, stopping by his bed. “You need to visit him eventually.”

She flinches when he turns to look at her, his eyes swollen and face heavy with exhaustion. “Please let me stay home.”

"Okay." His mom nods reluctantly, standing up to leave. "Just call if you need me." It's an empty statement. They both know Kei won't call for help; he never does.

He waits for silence to fill the house before pulling a box out from under his bed. Inside are several sets of clothes, never returned to their original owner.

 _"I stay over so often,"_ Tadashi had explained a year ago. _"Might as well have clothes here, right?"_

Tsukishima remembers the smile on his face. The way he lit up when Kei agreed, the satisfaction on his face when he returned home with exactly three sets of Kei’s clothes in his own bag. It’s a warm memory, one of the few that remain.

There’s this hoodie Tadashi always used to wear. Kei never understood why, though. It’s old and rough on the skin, but the freckled boy could almost always be found wearing it.

The bed mattress creaks as Tsukishima throws himself onto it, hoodie in hand, and pulls the comforter over himself. He curls into himself, pressing the hoodie to his face. He wishes it were Tadashi himself instead of a simple representation.

The heat builds up around him under his comforter, and he’s okay. He’s okay.

He’s trying to be okay.

He’s trying so hard.

A lot of the time he can deal with this. A lot of the time he can draw a smirk on his face, throw a half-hearted insult anyone’s direction, and almost believe he’s doing as well as he pretends. But then there are days like these – days when his own lack of a heart eats at him, days when he can barely keep himself together, days when this happens – that remind Kei of the horrible act he's committed.

 It’s days like this that Kei can’t handle.

“ _What’s the use?_ ”

The question constantly lingers in the back of his mind.

“ _All this pointless effort…”_

Regardless of what he does now, he can't change his past. He made the mistake, and now Tadashi’s dead. But death negotiated peace with him a long time ago, offering indifference as a much needed escape. Now apathy is second nature to him. Now he can deal with, and maybe even ignore, the absence of his own heart.

But he still wants something more, like comfort or passion. He wants genuine happiness that isn't forced when Kei feels obliged. He wants something to stir in himself that isn’t the bleak sandpaper which constantly wears at mind. He wants some sort of emotion that doesn’t make him feel like his physical and mental self are being ripped apart, like he’s watching some stranger inhabit his body and live out his life rather than actually feeling alive himself.

Because when it comes down to it that’s how Kei feels – like a ghost just watching the empty shell of who he once was live out his life for him.

But that isn’t him. When Tadashi died, he took Kei with him.

He sinks into the bed, drowning himself in the little inklings of emotion. He holds on to the emptiness, the lack of a bright, freckled boy lying beside him, because it’s one of the only ways he knows how to deal with Tadashi being so far away. 

It’s a lie when people console him with fanciful talk about happiness and memories. Kei can only remember the night of the crash, and Tadashi's body laying lifeless at his funeral.

The hoodie no longer carries Tadashi’s scent, and it’s driving Kei insane because he can’t remember what the other boy smelled like. But still, the hoodie belongs to Tadashi, and has some sort of a remnant of the past they had together. Some sort of hint of the future they could've - _should've_ \- had. The life they should've gone through together.

 _I'm so sorry, Tadashi._ He thinks to himself again. And again and again and _again._

_I’m sorry._

 

 

 


End file.
